Weight Loss: My Villan Origin Story?

But without the before/after photos.

Dear Reader,

This is one of those times that I’ve had pieces of this written in drafts on my phone from before I even launched the dang thing. But here we are, it’s time to share.

Now, I’ll be the first to tell you that your body is the most boring thing about you (unless you have tattoos in which I steal glances whenever I can), and will take zero offense if you hit that trashcan button right now.

My Backstory

Long, long ago, I was an influencer. At that point, we went by bloggers and had websites instead of just Instagram or TikTok (gasp!) and I had mine for seven-ish years. It started as a wedding blog, then beauty, then more of a wellness/brain-dump kinda place.

And for a bit, it had that body-positive angle! But what I found (and still find) is that a movement that was created by Fat Activists and largely led by Black women was being overrun by white women photoshopping glitter onto their stretch marks. So I left that space!

I was already a little out of touch with that space anyway, and wrote an article nearly a decade ago about feeling like a fraud there. I’ve always been of the mindset that confidence all the time would be amazing, but also that if you don’t love parts of you…that is okay! And if you want to change? Also okay! But whew, that can get you ‘canceled’ in the BoPo world real quick.

I have always been comfortable in my body, and open to change too. Weight loss has been a thought over the years, but never a ‘must,’ and nothing drastic ever taken. When my doctor highlighted that I’m prone to diabetes because of my medical history, and strangely high cholesterol levels for a woman my age (reversed now!) is when my ears perked, and I took the chance with Ozempic.

The Dirty Details

If you’re here because you’re nosey, I support that too. I am nosey, I can’t help it. Keep in mind, like anything, it would be different for anyone! This is just from me.

What does it feel like? I get this one a lot. And the easiest way to explain it is that it silences food noise. I have to remind myself to eat some days and try to go high on protein and veggies. I am mindful that just because I’m not hungry, doesn’t mean my body just suddenly doesn’t need nutrients.

It is not a quick, easy fix - unless you have a personal trainer and maybe can dedicate your whole life to just losing weight then who knows? I do weigh myself a couple of times a month to keep my doctor updated and have lost 25ish lbs since February. Slow and steady over here. If I could not weigh myself though, I would - I am team feeling over numbers.

Side effects-wise, the internet is full of horror stories - and that gave me great pause. Thankfully, and because I follow the ‘rules’ more so than not, it’s been okay. I learned very quickly that hydrating is key, and that the OZ shits are real - easily dodged though, with less alcohol and fried foods. There was one weekend I thought I was getting hit with every side effect out there but it was the flu, thank goodness. As if that was a weekly thing, I would be out.

The Pressure

There’s no question that society still wants us all to be skinny, something that Meaghan Wray (of fat big sis) unpacked beautifully for The Kit, and she echoed my thinking in many parts:

I wish for a world where fat women can be conventionally beautiful and successful and accepted, get the same opportunities as thin women and strut down the same runways. I don’t know if that world is coming, but the path there doesn’t lie in blaming other people, who live under the same thumb of diet culture we all do, for taking a weight loss drug. Maybe it does lie in accepting that they can make their own choice—and so can you.

I honestly haven’t shared with many that I’m even in the process of losing weight, as I think it should just be my choice and not really anyone’s business. But on the flip side, when I was even considering any of this, there weren’t a lot of places online that were helpful in that they were personal tales or viral joke videos.

I was honored to share my thoughts with her for her article, which helped me press publish on this.

I think what’s missing from a lot of the conversations, and that Meaghan was able to capture, was the tired narrative that anyone who loses weight does so because they dislike the way they look - an assumption jumped on quickly, and one that I very much oppose.

Because on top of needing to buy new clothes, changing eating habits, and weekly injections, there’s something much bigger I’ve had to deal with.

The Guilt

Above everything else, I feel guilty. And I think that writing this will help with that but maybe not in the way you think. Sure I write and share, but at the end of the day, I write for me and the closure it brings.

Because I feel guilty for past me, as I think any form of me is amazing.

I feel guilty that shopping is becoming fun, and that I’m not as worried about flying on a plane or fitting beside someone on the TTC. I feel guilty that I’m enjoying what I’m looking like when I see photos (but to be clear, I’ve always been a fan of myself in photos. The thirst traps are alive and well.) I feel guilty that I find it easier to move my body (Running?! Never thought I would!). Guilty that I don’t mind when someone comments that I’m looking great lately, even though I know the compliment is there because I am shrinking.

But most of all, I feel angry that the answer to a lot of these ‘problems’ is to become smaller in a world where I want nothing more than to be larger than life.

Until next chapter,

PS - if you reply to this email (or any) I can email you back! Just in case you want to chat :)

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Scrolled to the bottom? Relatable. Here’s some fun stuff for ya:

📚 What I’m reading: I have a rotation of thrillers/spooky reads on the go as I’m a little romanced out. If you’re really looking for a reco, make sure to read this post!

🎶 What I’m listening to: My family recently celebrated my sister’s 30th birthday and the playlist was BUMPIN’

📆 What’s up next for me: It’s a bit of a ways off but the planning for The Bookworm’s Market in September has already begun!